since then, I've uncovered a few programs running in my background. one is desire for control. wow, what a big one. this program thinks fit to run the show most of the time. nobody cleans/grocery shops/organizes/plans/decides what's best for any given situation than me, right?! and then I complain or criticize if things don't fit my expectations. what a way to poison the mood for myself and those around me.
so, I've been working on that. I will be for a long time.
it's humbling to recognize how prevalent unconscious patterns are. it's frustrating to see them in other people, but that's really a defense. any time I'm irritated with someone - my partner, in particular, who is an amazing mirror for me (thank you) - I benefit from stepping back enough to non-judgmentally view the patterns that hook me into reactive and mindless behavior. quite the challenging task, and one I fail at regularly.
this year we offered to host thanksgiving again. I decided I would join my little one in her excitement to have family gathering at our house, and I would be grateful to have the space and resources to have too many people and too much food.
what a difference perspective makes. not only did I thoroughly enjoy having dinner here, but I joyfully did massive amounts of dishes while my big and little loves rested and played in the living room. I have so many things to be grateful for it would take all day to list everything. I so much prefer that attitude over complaining.
happy thanksgiving.
